Self Confidence

I have been debating about how I wanted to go about this post for some time and whether or not I even wanted to post it at all. However, after getting so many responses from new mothers about my last "Out of Milk" post I decided if I can help even one other Mama, this post will be well worth it.

I have always been a person with high self confidence. Sure, there was always something about myself that i would change, but it always seemed to be something small and never affected the way I felt about myself. I have always loved my hair, loved my butt, boobs, and legs. The only thing I constantly battled with was my stomach, but like I said, nothing to stop me from feeling self conscious or to keep me from sporting a bikini in public.

I felt beautiful most of the first and second trimesters of my pregnancy. In my last trimester I began to feel less and less attractive. Of course this is nothing that my husband said or did, it was just something deep down in me that made me find myself for the first time, ugly. It could have been the human growing inside of me sucking every last life out of me, but I told myself this feeling will pass. After all, there is nothing more beautiful than new life.

After Josie was here I went in for my four week check-up with my doctor. I had lost all my pregnancy weight plus 6 pounds of pre-pregnancy weight. WAHOO was not the first word that came into my mind. If I was technically smaller than before I was pregnant, what was all this extra baggage and where did that factor into my weight?! I do have to say that the first month or two when my milk supply sky-rocketed, I felt TINY, but later realized my enormous (and swollen) boobs made my waist look tiny and the fact that I had looked at my waist protruding with a human for almost 9 months, of course it looked tiny now!

Josie was a beautiful newborn baby and we constantly received compliments on her beauty. One person said, "You know what they say, the girls take all their mother's beauty." That was it, SHE stole it! Okay, I quickly came to my senses and realized this wasn't completely true, but I did like that for an excuse for a while.

I had Josie in December so I could cover my body for a while without anyone noticing. But summer weather hit quick and I found myself sneaking my maternity elastic waist shorts into my wardrobe and wearing loose fitting tops. Nothing wrong with that, but it wouldn't have been my first choice of attire. Sport shorts and drapey tanks slowly worked into my wardrobe when the weather got unbearable. My daisy dukes, cute summer tops, and tanks got thrown into my garage sale and were sold much less than what they were worth just to get them out of my sight.

There came a day when I was finally sick of it and wanted to do SOMETHING. I started walking with Josie--lasted about 2 weeks. Then we made our vacation plans for the summer, which was 90+ days away. P90X. Yes, I was going to do that! The DVDs never made it to the TV. 60 days until vacation, I am going to join one of these beachbody-type teams and be beach-ready for our vacation. Never signed up. 30 days until vacation, okay I am going to do a combination of these 30-day work outs. I printed them off at least! We head out next week. I sit here with my final ItWorks Wrap on, which for me hasn't shown any improvement (Some people see WONDERFUL results, so don't let my experience or lack of one deter you from it...everyone is different!) Yes, get out your little violin to play or call the WHAHmbulance, but honestly, between school, Josie, home, and activities I had no extra time to commit. Or maybe it was more that i just didn't have the energy by the end of the day.

Modesty. There is something to say about being modest, but  for me there is something also to say about feeling frumpy. Swimsuit season. I have never dreaded it until this year. I decided to focus on finding cute one-pieces and tankini styles to help me get through the season. However, I never felt cute. I felt frumpy. I kept grabbing my two-piece suits and trying them on just in case they had somehow gained magical powers and could turn me into a super model. So far, no such luck.

This post is not to complain or whine about my body, but rather, help everyone to realize Mamas bodies change. I swear somedays that i have shrunk and the extra baggage settled in between my hips and boobs. And by settled, I mean wilted. I have learned (forced myself to see) that there are still things that are pretty about myself (right now my feet) yes, feet can be pretty if they make you feel good. I make it a goal to find something good to focus on each week that you like about yourself. Last week was my eyebrows, the week previous my eyes. I have found that focusing on the good tends to outweigh the bad. I even wore a two piece to the public pool with Josie a couple weeks ago, sporting my stretchmarks and all. I was definitely self-conscious and regretted this decision when we got to the pool, but quickly forgot about it once I saw how much fun Josie was having and how much better I felt about myself to let some of that translucent skin see some sun. I even felt a little dare I say it.....sexy.

Despite the kind and encouraging words and compliments from my amazing husband, sometimes I can't see it until I BELIEVE it myself.

So our vacation is literally right around the corner. I made the decision to not pack any of my "frumpy" suits. Only my old two-pieces-- don't worry no string bikinis. We will have access to a public pool almost our entire vacation. To me, vacations are supposed to be about family fun, sunshine, and good food. Not being self-conscious, staying inside fully-clothed, and tasteless food.

Looking forward to more posts in September!

JUST a college graduate.

I am done! I officially ended my time at Chattanooga State this week. I took my final exam and will receive my degree in a few weeks! What a ride it has been...Since starting college back in 2007 I have transferred twice (once out of state) and have experienced every possible emotion along the way. I earned 89 credits while I was in MI attending GVSU and GRCC. Only 12 of which transferred with me to Tennessee. I literally had to start over. But, I. AM. DONE!!

I have had many wonderful people congratulate me and tell me how proud they are of me. However, in the mix of all these happy emotions, there are always THOSE people to make you step back and rethink. This moment has occurred more times than one might think possible since graduating while talking to (unnamed of course) people. The conversations went a little something like this each time.

Person: "How is school going?"
Sadie: "Really well, actually. I graduated in May, but finishing up one final class this summer."
Person: "That is wonderful! I am so happy for you (yadayadayada)! What is your degree in?"
Sadie: "I have my associate of science for early childhood education!"
Person: "Oh, you (--emphasize the next word choice--) JUST/ONLY have your associates?"

When I first experienced this, I immediately felt shame. Not because I was ashamed of my achievement (although it did down play it quite a bit), but it was an automatic response to the previous comment. I found myself beginning to explain why I JUST/ONLY had my associates. This went on a few more times, until I tried to avoid it all together by just saying "I have a degree in Early Childhood Education," carefully leaving out the A.S. part. I then would be questioned about my plans to teach and would be caught off guard about and find myself trying to backtrack to explain my degree didn't exactly allow me to teach my own room.

THEN ONE DAY SOMETHING CHANGED. I CHANGED.

I finally came to the realization that I had accomplished something great. Associates, Bachelor, Masters, or Graduate....I finished college. I HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE.

So to respond to those that asked me earlier about me "JUST/ONLY having your associates?"....

-Yes I JUST have my associated degree.
-And, I JUST worked my ass off the past seven years to achieve it.
-Yes, I could have a masters degree by now (laugh to yourself cause I don't find your joke funny), but sometimes life JUST doesn't work that way.
-By the way, I JUST worked full time to pay my own way through college.
-And throughout my entire college career, I JUST experienced three major life changes--moving to another state, got married, and had a baby while going to school for JUST my associates.
-I JUST have the most supportive husband a woman could every ask for and a group of very special people who coached me along this long road.
-So, I JUST don't care that you think less of me for JUST having my associates degree.
-I JUST couldn't be more proud of myself and thankful for those people who have been there the entire time.
-So next time someone you know JUST earns their Associates Degree, JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.