Scary Business

Fair warning that this is a fairly-long post, but a post that has taken me some time to write about. I still got chills, shed tears, and found it difficult to retell as I wrote this...

The first few days of Josie's life (after we got home from the hospital) were the scariest of mine. Not because of typical new parent fears, but because I felt helpless. 
We were released from the hospital Friday the 20th of December. Josie was given a clean bill of health and low risk for Jaundice. We had our first pediatrician appointment on Monday. I would tell you how the weekend went, except I literally cannot remember anything minus a few friends stopping  by to drop off food and get a quick peek at Josie. I was SO tired and still had not caught up on any sleep. Andrew was in the same state as me. My mom got here on Sunday the 21st and was able to help me tremendously with cleaning and food preparation and just support/advice in general. I was solely breastfeeding at that time, but was having lots of issues of Josie latching on. 
Monday morning came around and we took our sweet baby girl for her first visit. The nurse weighed her, took her temp, etc. The Dr. came in to see us and meet us for the first time (his colleague checked in with us at the hospital). He reported that everything looked good and asked us how many wet and stool diapers Josie had had. (Once again, those days were a blur.) I had taken great record of her feedings, but forgot about tracking her diapers. OOPS. Andrew and I thought about it and guessed about 5-7 diapers wet, 3 of those being stool in a 24hr period. The Dr. gave us no reaction, but decided before we left to get a Jaundice "Billy Reading" on Josie. The nurse came in and told us it was reading at an 18. (Jaundice was something that we didn't read up on and had no idea what that meant) The doctor came back in and told us that Josie's Jaundice level was high-->"critical" and that we needed to head down to the Children's Hospital immediately to be admitted through the ER at least for the night if not a few days. He gave us a sealed envelope to give to the ER desk (Freight train hit #1).
Andrew and I were both in shock and disbelief as we drove to the Children's Hospital downtown. Andrew parked in a No-Parking/Tow Away zone and we raced into the ER waiting room. I handed the envelope to the first person to ask how they could help us. Go figure she had no idea what this meant and sent us to another desk. The woman at the second desk said the same thing until we insisted she called back to the ER nurses, who were to have been informed of our arrival by the Dr office (Mommy anger setting in). After the phone call we were sent back and given a room. Andrew and I decided he would return home and pick up an overnight bag for us that I called ahead and had my mom prepare and return back to the hospital for the night. 
While Andrew was gone, several nurses came in and asked questions and did vitals and took stats on my baby girl (who looked perfectly normal to me). Since her Dr. appointment, she had missed almost 2 feedings and I felt like I was going to burst. They did not want me to nurse her because they needed to get an IV started to start fluids and meds. A nurse called the lactation specialist for me and she insisted that I nurse Josie for both of our nerves. After nursing Josie, they came in to start an IV (Andrew is still gone at this point). I balled before they even poked her, then got strength from somewhere to tough it out for my girl and make my priority to calm and soothe her through the SEVERAL failed attempts of IVs. 3 sticks in each hand, one in a forearm, and then a head nurse called the NICU nurses to come down. They arrived to explain to me they would suggest a head IV and asked my permission to proceed. A HEAD IV!?!?! (Mommy anger increase, helplessness at maximum level). Andrew walked in as they attempted the first (failed attempt) in her precious little head. After them discussing who would poke where next I spoke up and told them that "my daughter is NOT a pin-cushion for their practice and to get the best nurse available to get an IV started." The next attempt (still in her head) was (Thank-God) our last one. That experience, alone, was freight train hits #2 and #3. Andrew admitted that was one of the roughest things he has ever had to sit through. We both felt helpless. 
After all the needle-poking vampires left, our assigned nurse came in and gave us our first breathe of fresh air. She was one of the most kind persons I have ever met. She brought Andrew coffee and had a meal ordered for me (it was almost 4PM we had been there since 10AM). She really got the ball rolling for us and completely turned our experience around at the Hospital. A Billy-Light Incubator was brought in for Josie and she was placed inside, only be be allowed out for feedings in 15 minute intervals. They put a mask over her eyes that would not allow her to open them until we were released. We were taken up to our room for the next 24 hours. Once there, we were informed that Josie's jaundice level was at a 23 now and she was seriously dehydrated.She was also down almost a full lb since our leaving the hospital. 7lb-10oz down to 6lb-13oz (Back on the tracks for the freight train). Andrew and I changed her diapers (which had to be saved and weighed to track her hydration levels), talked to her through little windows, and slept in shifts since someone had to watch her at all times. You could not hear her cry or scream when she was in the incubator and there is nothing more scary that looking up and seeing your baby girl flailing her arms only to catch her hand to pull on the IV sticking out of her head. Nurses came in every half hour in the beginning to check vitals and then weaned down to every 2 hours the remainder of our visit. Part of the vitals being a heel stick to draw blood every 4 hours. The lactation nurse brought me a hospital grade pump which allowed me to pump and bottle feed Josie so we could track her intake volume. Many sleepless hours, feeling of helplessness, and some of the scariest moments of my life later we were on the path back to going home possibly by Christmas Eve Evening. 
Christmas visitors came by (nurses dressed up as elves and local charities) to drop off gifts for Christmas and to check in to see that Mom and Dad didn't need anything themselves. Josie received a special visit from a local Motorcycle Club that stopped by to drop off one of many Build-A-Bears they made for the Children in the Hospital. And the big excitement was for pictures with Santa later that afternoon. Despite all our appreciation and true feeling of being blessed, we couldn't help but place our current situation in the back of our minds and think ... "Who wants our baby's First Christmas to be in the Hospital?!?" We were even reluctant to have Josie pose with Santa while she is in an incubator with an IV in her head. --Would that be on our Christmas card next year and why would we want to remember any of this?!? Not many seconds after this conversation happened between Andrew and I....
The nurse came in and informed us that the Dr. planned to release us today and that we would be home for Christmas. A few hours later, the Dr came in to inform us that just overnight, Josie's jaundice level was down to 13! She ordered blood test to be done everyday until levels were maintained starting on the 26th.
We took our precious baby girl home and spent one of the happiest Christmas's at home with my mom, Josie, Royce, Reba, Andrew, and Myself. We stayed in our PJs all day and just really took in the true meaning of the day and our blessings from that year, the biggest being our Precious Josephine. 
Our challenge with Jaundice wasn't over after our first blood-draw and follow-up visit to the Dr office. Josie's levels peaked back up to 16, which concerned the Dr, but he had reassurance in her weight being back up to 7lb 8oz. He sent us home with a Billy-Light which had to be skin-on-skin 24hours and wanted us to repeat the blood work and follow up visit everyday (including weekends). Josie's final appointment was on Monday, the 30th where her levels were down to 11 and her weight was 7lb 13oz (3oz more than her birth weight!)

Because of this experience I have been scared to start solely breastfeeding again, as her jaundice levels spiked in account of being dehydrated (which nobody would have known about because of not being able to monitor volume levels during breastfeeding.) I have so much more comfort and peace of mind knowing how much she takes in during the day and at night. After this experience, I am very reluctant into breastfeeding again, but am receiving a lot of encouragement and support from family, friends, and my amazing husband, which has made me consider it. 


 Other than that, I have decided to have one of our Christmas gifts each year be a donation to the Children's Hospital that allowed us to be home for our first Christmas together. I think that this will be important, a reminder to not take anything for granted and a reflection of this challenge and others that we may face in this life (specifically as parents). God may take us on difficult paths, but our faith in Him will remain strong.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart" Prov.3:5